this blog’s movin’

 

i’m sure there’s a way to do this without anyone even knowing it happened.

but, alas, i’m just not the techy

so…

if you dig this blog or subscribe to it-first

thanks!

and second, will you please not find it at:

iknowurbutwhatami.wordpress.com

(get it? i know you are. but, what am i)

just thinking “a woman between” is true but heavy. promise not to do this to ya again. k?

gracias!

who do you love?

when joseph i and were married, we planted a tree.

“what tree grows fast and doesn’t easily die?” i asked joe when i went to the nursery at k-mart to pic a seedling.

“white pine.” he said. he’s a tree man. he knows. and we planted it in the soil of our family property in northern michigan.

we decorated it with crystal christmas tree ornaments and all us hippies prayed.

that tree has seen much more than it’s fair share of storms.

but, as far as fair shares are concerned, who says like is fair?

see…between now and then, we found christ. he saved us. that, as they say, is that.

the lord is our shelter. our ever-present help in times of trouble. we stand on this.

last month we celebrated 10 year of marriage. that is a victory hard-fought and won by jesus.

there is absolutely no doubt that he is alive and he saved us. he crushed us like glass is crushed into a sandy pulp and them added his fire to mold us into a new creation, like a glass blower sets his rod into dust and draws in painfully, carefully into an orb then skillfully bends it to his will.

this is our story.

lord, use us. bend us. may we be soft and pliable. my we mold and bend to your will.

i look at that tree now and i scarcely recognize it from its start. the same is true of the marriage.

understand, i know this is to some an unpopular message.

it’s also true.

it is true.

to be needy is just unpopular.

so?

i,

we

need

jesus.

does that “suck”? no.  is that “hard”? yes and no. is it “true”? yes. it is true.

we are sunk without him. we call ourselves saved for a reason.

i love that our tree is evergreen.  that is in the lords hands, as well. but there are things for which i’m more profoundly grateful. i’m learning to ask better questions.

 

 john 6:24
i tell you the truth. he who believes in me will not die, but have everlasting life.

the rocks and stones themselves

in hamlet, it’s ophelia who say’s

“lord bless us, we know who we are.”

at the root- it think that’s true.

somewhere maybe not so very down deep-i think we do know

who we are.

i am truely tired of knowing me.

i want to know

him.

he, who doesn’t just know who i am, but what i need

and don’t need.

 this day, i needed rest.

sitting myself down on the beach,

i dig my feet into the sand.

there is something about the sand that

gives perspective.

“you used to be a rock, a crystal,” i think to a glass-clear grain. “you still are.”

and i dig my toes on in.

as i surrender into the sand, i think, “it’s okay, lord. break me down. wash me over and over until there’s nothing left of me but the reflection on you.”

 on the great lakes, it’s not shells you collect.

mostly, you gather stones.

i run my fingers over the smooth rocks behind me.

they soothe like a baby’s blanket when they find just the right spot.

you know the spot that makes their lids grow heavy then shut?

i gather myself a pocket full.

these are my treasures today.

these are my sweet peace reminders.

these are my gift from my father, who loves me,

the maker of heaven and earth.

these are my lesson.

these.

who knew such lightness could me found in rocks and stones?

“come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and i will give you rest.” matt 11:28

what’s up with that?

today i’ve written four blogs.

poured my heart out.

hope

fully

shown you something worth

something.

none of them have posted.

most christians will say this is the “enemy”.

ya know…

today my washing machine and my oven have also broken.

this should be centered…if i had my way.

which,

i

dont.

do you hear me?

do

you?

the only reason i’ve ever believed in

the enemy

is beause

jesus says.

and he

doesn’t lie.

do you

hear

recieve

this?

i wrote about

the

lake

rocks

vow renual.

does

this

un-centered message

compute?

 

crashing

 

 

by streams of water

 

she was a lover

 of poetry

 and

of people.

we’d go hiking in the new hampshire forests.

when we would come to a split in the path she would pause and say

“i, i took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference.”

she did.

so do i.

on this hike, however, i only had one path to choose.

with the tititabawasee river to my right and a park to my left

i walked straight.

narrow is the gate for me today.

 i recall the walks

i smell the raspberries

before i spot the sharp branches and tender fruit.

i pick one.

then five.

i am blessed by this garden of life.

 

still ,sometimes, that memory-that taste

that smell and so many many more

walk me up to another intersection on my path.

the intersection of the gift i had

and what i lost

which are all to often 

to the same.

 i want to lay flat on the cool earth.

be covered by it.

but my heart, my heart is full.

somehow in its

heaviness

even light.

i see a tree near the water’s edge, who is choosing a path of its own..

we all choose, don’t we?

it’s choosing to arc back,

arms open.

in a forest of straight, it too is choosing the road less traveled.

and so i soften and open

and imitate it

 as i

inspired by its boldness

choose joy, gratitude,

 arc back

and lift my heart to the sun.

and shine.

 

 

psalm 1:2-3
 but whose delight is in the law of the lord,
   and who meditates on his law day and night.
that person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
   which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
   whatever they do prospers.

should i stay or should i go?

liam was adamant.

“i do not want to go to kids camp.”

“why buddy? they have a bounce house, water cannons. it’s gonna be a blast.”

“i don’t want to go. i don’t have any friends at our church.”

“i understand, pal,” i say, my heart breaking.

i get a little dizzy as i fumble and pray for the right words to give him.

something to encourage him, uplift him, challenge him to try.

i remember this awful feeling. my family moved at least every three years of my childhood-and more than twice a year at a couple of points.

i didn’t have friends. not real deep, tried and true friends.

that

takes

time

and also

forgiveness.

we’ve lived here for just under a year.

“buddy, how ’bout if we just go check it out and see if it’s fun. we don’t have to stay.”

he shrugs his shoulders.

“let’s just see. it may be fun, and if it stinks, we’ll fly.”

“k”

“let me just pack your stuff if, on the off-chance, it rocks-you’ll be ready.”

“k”

the youth pastor’s house is

a fair-ground, at least today it is.

liams bounces in the inflatable and i pray with the other moms.

then pastor dave reigns us all in for a song and the gospel.

for instructions

and team assignments.

“here we go…”i think. “or, here we stay, perhaps.

“what do you think, pal? ya wanna hang out?”

“liam- you have to stay! it’s so fun! you really have to,” shouts a little angel from youth group.

 she’s a year older than liam.

they go to the same school.

they

are

friends.

“k” say’s liam. “i want to stay.”

“cool, bud. listen, at any point if you want me to come get you, just ask pastor to call me and i’ll come right away.”

he gives me a heart felt-eye contact smile, knowing that was the truth in love, right there.

and just like that, he’s called onto the blue team.

there are all different kinds of brave,

 aren’t there?

 

ecc. 4:9 “two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up.”

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